William Samoei Ruto “I Am Not My Own Man”

29 Nov

November 29, 2012, Nairobi, Kenya

United Republican Party and The National Alliance are proposing to share the government down the middle in their pre-election agreement expected to be unveiled on Sunday, UK Daily Nation sources have said.

The highlights of the agreement are a 50-50 sharing of Cabinet and Civil Service positions in a government with Mr Kenyatta as President, Mr William Ruto as Deputy President and TNA producing a candidate for Speaker of the National assembly and URP getting the Senate Speaker slot.

Asked if only Kikuyus and Kalenjin are to share all of the Cabinet and Civil Service positions, what will happen to the rest of the communities, both Uhuru and Ruto dismissed the question as too presumptuous as to assume either cared if the outcome of their election is that all other tribes are locked out of power except the two they belong to.

“You see, this thing belongs to us (read Kikuyus); we have just decided to try and hoodwink the Kales into buying our bunk just to be sure,” said an almost gleeful Uhuru, adding, “we are confident they will do just that because of my convenient friend Ruto’s luck of being co-accused with me with crimes against humanity at the ICC; I cannot let him hang alone.”

Ruto claims that he gathered more than 3,000 elders from the Rift Valley Province and after telling them what goodies he had for them and what more lay in store for them, the elders gave the United Republican Party leader the go-ahead to work with TNA.

The URP leader said the pre-election pact with Mr Kenyatta offered them a “realistic chance” of forming the next government and to help them bring the case at The Hague, the Netherlands, where they are charged with crimes against humanity, back to Kenya.

“We are uniting to have a greater chance of bringing back this case to Kenya,” Mr Ruto told the elders at the Eldoret Sports Club.

Asked whether this was not a flagrant effort and actually a shameless disrespecting of his community’s intelligence by lying to them the cases against him and Uhuru can be brought back to Kenya merely because the two are elected as president and deputy president, Mr. Ruto shrugged his shoulders and dared the reporter asking him the question if he can find one person among the 3000 who gave a hoot about the law or facts about PEV.

“We have done a good job of synthesizing most of our supporters into believing our unparalleled importance and absolute right to vie and take up the presidency is more important than finding justice for PEV victims,” added Ruto, not even as blinking or hesitating to show any sign of concern about what he had just said.

“We are sure of winning the next General Election in the first round. We have built our party (URP) attracting a large following from different parts of Kikuyu and Kaleland. TNA-URP alliance is meant to foster peace and development in the country of the kind anyone who doesn’t care about PEV victims or the implications of the serious charges we face can imagine,” said Ruto.

On being asked why he opted out of the presidential race, Mr Ruto said he realized that he could not make it on his own.

“I am not my own man,” declared Ruto, adding “without Moi, I would be absolutely a nobody today—well, at least no more anybody than your miserable self asking me these questions. Without Raila, I would not have risen to the height of power I am enjoying today. Without Uhuru, I would not even have dreamed of vying for the presidency among these giants. I am just a small village boy who was thrust into the limelight too soon in my life I need a few more years to cogitate before I can come out and seek the presidency on my own as my own man. Kindly understand that and don’t ask me this question again!”

Pressed on why he at least couldn’t offer himself for the presidency even as others argue he is constitutionally barred from vying because of the serious crimes against humanity he faces, Ruto argued that it was almost impossible for him to get 50 per cent plus one votes all by himself, hence the alliance.

“Lone rangers will not form the next government given the strict guidelines of the new constitution. Kikuyus have got the numbers and if we add our votes we will form a formidable alliance that will triumphantly enter State House,” he said.

Several reporters had to be resuscitated from the shock of hearing first hand such a blunt admission from a politician of this naked tribalism.

“Mr. Ruto, are you saying for you what matters is not what a candidate has to offer the country in terms of leadership and vision for development rather what matters for you is what tribe you can align yourself with to get to power?”

At this point Ruto turned to talk to his assistant in Kalenjin the reporter is still trying to get a translation of what he said from the recording but everyone he has asked who knows the language can only laugh and say its not printable.

Meanwhile, Ruto’s alleged partner in crimes against humanity, Uhuru Kenyatta, was busy consulting with his top brains for hire on how best and quickly to shred the freshly minted MOU the two claim is already signed in the unlikely event he is elected president.

Irimu ikenagira undu muru (a foolish person rejoices even over a bad thing), Uhuru was overheard saying of Ruto and his excitement he is about to play second fiddle to Uhuru against prevailing common sense that he doesn’t were he to remain politically relevant in Kenya but someone can also make an easy case this applies to Uhuru as well and his thumbing his nose on the whole country saying he must vie for president notwithstanding the serious crimes against humanity he faces that could actually find him convicted and locked up.

In fact, this applies to both.

***The foregoing is a parody of the news item appearing in the Daily Nation”

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Posted by on November 29, 2012 in Politics


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