Honorable Members of Parliament and fellow Kenyans.
I am happy to stand here today to report to you the state of our union.
By “union” I don’t mean the state of the union between Mama Lucy and I.
If you thought that’s what I meant then wewe hakuna tofauti na mavi ya kuku.
Anyhow, the state of the union I am reporting is that of our country since that interesting evening back in December 2007 when I had my sycophants and clique surrounding me to hurriedly swear me as president so we could more effectively thwart Raila’s efforts to stop me from grabbing power against the people’s will and be president again.
As you know fully well, my efforts nearly sunk our country into civil war.
Fortunately, however, the worst that came of it was the post-election violence that killed only about 1000 people and caused the displacement of only about 600,000 people.
There were also some other crimes committed against some of these people such as rape and maiming.
Out of my sheer desire to bring peace in the country and without any pressure, I agreed to open negotiations with Raila to see what the man wanted to leave me alone rather than calling for the mass protests that would have surely hounded me from office.
Mr. Odinga told me what he wanted was to take over as president but I told him “hell no!”
Since time was not on anyone’s side, we agreed to have our people meet at Serena headed by His Eminence Kofi Annan.
My team was headed by the take no hostages, tough talking Hon. Martha Karua while Raila’s team was headed by someone I bet you don’t know even if I mentioned his name.
Be that as it may be, Raila and I finally agreed to form a coalition government, which we did by signing the National Accord and Reconciliation Act of 2008 on February 28, 2008.
Under that agreement, I remained president, which is all I ever wanted, and Raila became the Prime Minister.
Raila and I then had our same team negotiate on the composition of the government, especially the number of ministers to be appointed to the cabinet and which party should hold what portfolios.
Because of the lopsided nature of the team given the imbalance in chips either side had in the negotiations, and given the take no hostages, tough talking Martha Karua, my side got everything we wanted and left the PM with a few crumbles from the bread we were supposed to share in half.
When Raila was almost being mauled by some people on his team such as William Ruto for not getting them plum appointments, Raila defended himself by telling the public that he got half-loaf.
My peeps and I just laughed ourselves silly every time he would say that because we knew he didn’t!
I thank Martha for her excellent work in the negotiations that earned her a spot in the cabinet where she distinguished herself as the only man serving in it among all others on my side of the cabinet.
Relationship between the principals
The relationship between Raila and I since the formation of the coalition government has been very interesting.
Early on after the coalition was formed, it was the view of my people that we needed to do everything possible to make Raila irrelevant in the government.
Many great ideas were suggested to me how to go about doing this and we tried to implement quite a few of them but, lo and behold, this man kept outwitting us and before we knew it, he had established himself as a credible member of the government against our wishes.
Not only did Raila establish himself as a credible member of the government, a case can be made in as far as the government having had success in any area, it has been due to Raila’s efforts.
Don’t get me wrong, though; I am not saying I don’t deserve credit as well; I do for I am the one responsible for making appointments to key positions of the government, which I have done with delight.
Those I have appointed have also seen to it that they appoint people meeting my criteria of selection, which is basically the appointees must come from our neck of the woods and if we must throw a bone here and there to the rest of the country, then we do so reluctantly.
I do give Raila credit, however, for stopping me from violating our new constitution by trying to stuff important constitutional offices without following the law.
Up until that point, I didn’t know how much popular Raila still is with the people and must say I have since then been quite circumspect about what I do or allow my sycophants and clique to do.
State of the Economy
Our economy is down in the drains where it needs to be.
In March 2008, our economic growth rate was -3.10 percent, which was slightly better than what we had in the last term of Moi’s administration.
Following the signing of the coalition agreement, however, we saw an upswing in economic activity resulting in an historic high growth rate of 4.20% in June on 2008.
There has been no economic growth to speak of since then.
This is not because our people are not working hard enough; they are but thieves are ever more busy stealing, leaving no money to expand economic activity as these monies are often stashed away under the bed or in foreign accounts.
Efforts by one part of the government led by Raila to stop the theft and corruption have been thwarted by the other part of the government but I can assure you I have nothing to do with it.
As a result of this theft and corruption and lack of investment in the private sector, coupled with low productivity in the agricultural sector, which is the main engine of our economy, the average growth rate of the economy between 2005 and 2011 was a paltry 1.22 percent
In the third quarter of 2011, the economy grew only at a rate of 0.7, which is pathetic, even given our own record of wallowing at the bottom of economic growth compared to other countries in the region.
It is even more pathetic that even as our country is the most industrially developed country in East Africa, the manufacturing sector accounts only for 14% of our GDP.
I blame most of this on the Minister for State for Planning, National Development and Vision 2030 Hon. Wycliffe Oparanya and other relevant ministries from my side of the government that appear to be sleeping at the switch instead of acting to jump-start the economy.
It’s not all gloom and doom, however.
For example, we recently discovered oil and a lot of people are excited about the prospects of a new revenue stream to line their pockets.
Indeed, even though things have been spiraling downwards for some time, there have been recent signs of improvement owing to expansions in tourism, telecommunications, transport, construction and a recovery in agriculture.
I commend the ministers heading the respective portfolios in these improving sectors of the economy and give a particular shout out to Hon. Dr. Sally Kosgey for her superb job she is doing as Minister for Agriculture—a great improvement over the predecessor in that office who shall remain nameless.
I know much was expected of me as an economist to turn this economy around and improve it significantly but quite frankly, I have been too busy making sure my friend Raila does not succeed as PM lest he crushes all his opponents in the next elections and that will not be good or fair for them.
I did, however, let the PM have some crumps here and there even though some, like launching the most ambitious transportation projects including the new Lamu port and the Trans-Africa Highway are really projects long overdue and I was starting to feel guilty to have them wait another year or more.
As you know, I worked tirelessly with PM Raila Odinga to deliver the new constitution as promised and we are now both doing what we can to have it implemented fully.
Those who are hoping that I grant their wish to delay or stall implementation of the constitution are either dreaming or they just don’t know how I operate.
Domestic and National Security
The top leadership of the national security are my peeps and they tell me everything is under control, then no need to worry. I know the Civil Society has been making some noise about the police force not being reformed but my peeps tell huo si ukweli.
Who do you think I am going to believe?
Everything about our domestic and national security is under control as far as I am concerned.
In sum, kila kitu iko sawa na kama utaki kukubali, basi wewe si ni kama mavi ya kuku tu?
***The foregoing is a parody of the State of the Country Speech as the author believes President Kibaki would have given it under difference circumstances.***
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