The Elections of 2027; An Insider’s True Story

19 Oct

Chapter I

Scene One

Location: Some Board Room somewhere in Nairobi for X7 Secretariat

Chairman: (Meeting in progress) This Omao; it looks like he is winning every argument we try to raise and my worry is he is doing even better in exposing our lies and innuendos, which is really all we have against Abdillahi. There has got to be a way to stop or at least slow him down.

Stratigiza: You are right, Boss, but I think I know something that can really rile him to the point of quitting the blogs altogether, not just slowing him down.

Chairman: Oh, what’s that?

Stratiza: A man of his stature would not take it well if he is exposed to some serious matusi so I think that’s our key to success in getting rid of him from the blogs.

Chairman: (Laughing hysterically) I agree, agree; I don’t know why I hadn’t thought about that. Stra you are a genius!

Stratagiza: Thank you; thank you boss.

Chairman: Now here is the hard part: Who should we dispatch for this task?

Stratigiza: Well, boss I wish I can do it but I am not really that good at hurling insults and neither is Tumbo here, so we may have to put word out there and see if we can find the best insulter.

Tumbo: (Heaving his bulky self to upright position) I am an enforcer, not insulter ah, but I think I know just the person we need for this and that’s got to be my cousin Tano.

Stragiza: Who is he?

Tumbo: He is the village insulter from shago and the boy can really deliver and if that doesn’t work, then his fists will certainly do it-that’s why he is nicknamed, ‘Tano’—unajua, yani, ni mutu wa ngumi tu akishindwa na mdomo, tano ya kushoto inamaliza mambo.

Chairman: Hehehehe! I like that. Where is this Tano?

Tumbo: He is in shago but I can arrange to have him over tomorrow.

Stratigiza: Does he know how to type?

Tumbo: Nope; never seen a computer!

Stratigiza: Does he know how to read?

Tumbo: Hata kidogo; anajua to kubonga lugha ya Mamake.

Stratigiza: Why then do you think he can do this? He would at least have to know how to type and send one way insults on the Internet.

Tumbo: Mimi nilifikiri ni mtu wa kutusi tu kwa simu; ama?

Stratigiza: No, no, no. We need someone who can hurl those insults on the Internet, which means he has to at least know how to type, even if it is one letter at a time; we don’t really care how long it takes him to do so as we can give him enough money to use any of the Internet cafes as long as it takes.

Tumbo: I see. Then I suggest we talk to Ensulta; he is my nephew and is currently a student at university.

Chairman: Is he good at hurling matusi?

Tumbo: Not as good as Tano but nearly as good; they both learned from their uncle, who I also learned my enforcement skills from, except Tano never knew anything else, except playing ajua.

Strategiza: Call him. Let him come tomorrow and we’ll see if he can do it.

Scene Two

Chairman: Sit, sit, sit. Well. Agokoyo, you sat there yesterday and did not say a word…everything okay?

Agokoyo. Ne mwega pio…

Chairman: English, English please. You are not at the ministry!

Agokoyo: Pole. I know; what I am saying is all is well and I, too agree with this idea of getting an insulter….

Chairman: And let me also remind you we are all in this together. We have to work together to try and see if we can succeed in bringing down this omogumo tree.

Agokoyo: You mean Omao?

Chairman: No, no, no; that’s small fish. I am talking about the idol he worships…

Agokoyo: Oh; you mean Abdillahi.

Chairman: Kabisa.

Agokoyo: Hapo, tuko pamoja. Just tell us what we need to do from our end. But we are not going to let our man try the matusi road again. He tried last time but it backfired on us so, I suggest whoever we hire to do this job, let him also recruit others kurusha hayo matusi kwa niaba yetu.

Chairman: Okay, let’s first deal with this Omao issue and revert to other items on the agenda for today, including the falling Shilling and how we must keep it falling to make Abdillahi look bad.

Okothe: I don’t think that Shilling issue is good for any of us. I know my small but growing group I represent at this table is not happy with it because all of us are really not doing that well and we are feeling the pinch from the rise in prices.

Chairman: I hear you but, let’s discuss that issue after this Omao thing.

Stragiza: Boss, let me introduce you to Ensulta (Ensulta sheepishly walks over to shake Chairman’s hand, bowing and with two hands overstretched, one supporting the other as a sign of great respect)

Chairman: How are you young man?

Ensulata: Fine, Sir.

Chairman: I hear you are good at hurling …have they told you why you are here?

Ensulta: Yes, Sir. I have been told my skills are needed to get into the nerves of one blogger by the name Omao.

Chairman: Do you think you can do it?

Ensulta: Yes I can, Sir.

Stragiza: Boss, I talked to him before he came here this morning and I was very impressed; he definitely knows all the right insults.

Chairman: How so, young man?

Ensulta: Sir, I was trained by [name deleted] during the last campaign. I was his chief insulter on the Internet and was given a handsome reward that enabled me to enroll for the parallel program at UON.

Chairman: I see; do you have some samples of your work?

Ensulata: Yes, Sir. I do (hands over a few pages of email print-outs).

Chairman: Hehehehe. These are good; really good…sycophant..hehehe..idol…idiot…worshiper..hehehe, good, good …I see you also know how to use them…I like this….

Ensulata: Thank you Sir.

Chairman: Everything I used to be called when I was with Moi…hehehehe.

Ensulata: Ahh…I am sorry Sir…

Chairman: Don’t worry; I used to laugh it off and now look where I am.


Chairman: Tell him to come in.

Messenger: Sir, I have a parcel from the President, says urgent.

Chairman: (Examines the contents of the package) Okay. Say hi to him.

Stragiza: (Laughing) Isn’t it an irony we are talking about names you used to be called and in walks the leader of those who used to call you names?

Chairman: Hehehehe. At least I was not vindictive. I accepted his apologies and had him hired at State House as Deputy Assistant to the President’s Assistant PA, which is a title nice title but all he does really is, run errands for the old man all day long but seems to enjoy it.

Tumbo: Hehehe, and I was promised PS job and look where I ended.

Chairman: You are fine. Being a Compliance Officer is really what you are suited with your big frame..hehehehehe (all laughing).

Chairman: Anway, back to this…

Agokoyo: Young man; what would you do, if you run into this Omao and he wishes to clobber you physically for insulting him. What will you do?

Ensulta: Oh, I’ll run away as fast as I can; I cannot fight him and if he catches up with me, I’ll just cuddle up in a fetal position and beg for his mercy.

Stragiza: Are you such a coward?

Ensulata: I am afraid so, Sir. All I know is to hurl insults on the Internet but down here, you’ll think I am a Choir Boy—I just can’t take a chance of being whopped so I stay mum, even when I am being insulted myself.

Stragiza: I see, what if he demands to know whether you have been sent; what would you do?

Ensulata: (thinking for some time) Don’t worry, Sir. I won’t tell him the truth; I’ll just tell him no one has sent me to do this.

Okothe: I think you should know this Omao is not in Kenya. I understand he lives in Europe and hardly comes home so, no need to worry about him being here….

(Office Phone rings)

Chairman: Ok. Shemeji habari? (off record conversation)…Stragiza, I think I am okay with him, what do you think?

Stratigiza: I think so, too. What about you gentlemen?

Egoko: I agree. (and so do the rest, nodding their heads, saying, yes, yes)

Chairman: Okay; now, how do we go about doing this?

Stragiza: Simple: We give Ensulta here Kshs10,000 and let him go do his thing and report to us progress in about a month.

Agokoyo: What about the other insulters to focus on Abdillahi?

Stragiza: You are right; I forgot about that. Ensulata, do you think you can recruit a few of your trusted friends to do the same thing?

Ensulata: Yes; I am sure I can. How many do you want me to?

Stragiza: Well, let’s start with three: You focus on Omao; one of them focuses on Abdillahi and the other one ODM as a whole.

Agokoyo: That sounds good to me.

Stragiza: Then I suggest we do Kshs30,000, 10thao each.

Chairman: How do we know these kids will actually blast away the insults?

Tumbo: Don’t worry boss; Ensulta is my boy and I know he is going to do a good job, except I don’t know if 10 is enough; I think 20 is better because he is leading the team. Besides, I’ll be monitoring to make sure they are doing a good job.

Oluya: But Tumbo you don’t know how to even log on to the Internet!

Tumbo: Oh, I do, I do. I have one in my office…

Stragiza: Okay 20 for him, 10 each for the other two and come back here in about a month with a report of what you have done. You have to make sure you are on the Internet doing your thing for at least 10 hours a day.

Smata: What about his studies; he is at varsity, remember?

Stratigiza: Well, in that case, make it at least 5 hours a day.

Chairman: Can you do that young man?

Ensulata: Yes, Sir. I am only doing parallel studies. I can manage.

Chairman: Okay; I think we are set then.

(The parties leave)

(Outside the building)

Tumbo: Ensulta.

Ensulata: Yes boss.

Tumbo: Si unikatie yangu?

Ensulata: Ngapi?

Tumbo: Kumi; nusu ya hiyo tumekupa

Ensulata: Tano.

Tumbo: Hako wapi?

Ensulata: No; I mean, si ni kupatie tano?

Tumbo: Tano!

Tano: Aje mambo?

Scene Three

To be continued.

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Posted by on October 19, 2011 in Politics


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