Reporter: Mr. Deputy Prime Minister; is it okay, if I refer to you as Mr. UK or just UK?
Hon. Uhuru Kenyatta (“UK”): Sure; no problem.
Reporter: Mr. UK, the last time you ran for president, you lost to our current president, Mwai Kibaki and now you wish to run again; what makes you believe you’ll be elected this time around?
UK: First, I am much older and wiser. Second, I am not running against a fellow Kikuyu. Third, after being trashed in the 2002 elections, my ego was so severely bruised, being elected president is the only way I can more permanently recover, therefore I am determined to do whatever it takes to be elected this time around. Fourth, I no longer have the ugly monkey, if I may, of the Moi regime breathing heavily over my shoulders. In fact, I believe I lost the elections because everyone believed my being elected president would have been a continuation of the Moi regime, which is true, but who knew Kenyans were that smart to figure this out, even back then.
Reporter: I know you are on a roll with your reasons you think you’ll be elected this time, but can I ask you, based on what you just said, what is your relationship with former president Moi and is he supporting your presidency this time around?
UK: My relationship with the Old Man is just fine but I don’t want my presidential candidacy to be associated with him anymore.
Reporter: Why is that?
UK: Because I have my own pet project now by the name Ruto. You see, with Ruto, I get the best of both worlds: Ruto the Young Turk of YK92 who is both intellectually smart and a superb understudy of Moi’s street smartness more than I ever was or can be, but I also get Ruto of DRAO 2009.
Reporter: I get YK92 but, what is DRAO 2009?
UK: (Smiling) You don’t know? What kind of reporter are you (now laughing).
Reporter: I am sorry I don’t know but I assume it has something to do with Raila; Raila Amolo Odinga, R-A-O, the Prime Minister?
UK: That’s right. The “D” stands for, destruction (more laughter).
Reporter: I see; so you are saying DRAO stands for Destruction of Raila Amolo Odinga–DRAO?
UK: Yes, yes, that’s it (now excitedly laughing).
Reporter: Okay; I get that but what exactly is meant by “destruction” of Raila; are you for the destruction of Raila? I thought you are friends?
UK: No, no, no. I am not for the destruction of my good friend, Awambo. In fact, I wish him well and quite frankly, I would prefer to have him elected, if I am not, because he deserves to be elected for all the sacrifices he has made for the country and everyone else running for the office is simply lightweight and cannot possibly be able to take on the heavy responsibility that office demands.
Reporter: I am confused; you say you want to use Ruto to get to State House—and you are being taken seriously about your interest in the office, but now you sound as though you are endorsing Raila?
UK: That’s not entirely correct. What I am saying is, I would not mind, and, in fact, would prefer Raila to be elected president, if I am not elected but I am going to give him a run for his money, before he gets there.
Reporter: So, you agree with the polling data that shows that Raila is the man to beat in 2012?
UK: No. You have this upside down, Jim; the man to beat in 2012 for me, is a fella by the name Louis Moreno Ocampo!
Reporter: True—and I have some questions to follow about ICC and Ocampo, but is Raila also not the man to beat in 2012, if you were to be elected president?
UK: You can say that, but I have a strategy to beat him soundly and that involves, as I have said, Ruto–my own pet project but in this sense: Of all the presidential hopefuls out there, Ruto is the only one who has convinced me, he knows a thing or two on how to deal with the likes of Moi and Raila. I particularly like his DRAO 2009 deck of cards and am confident I can use him and his deck of cards to boost my own campaign strategy.
Reporter: But is this not a contradiction when you say, you are not for the destruction of Raila, yet you want to use this, what you call “DRAO 2009 deck of cards,” which, I assume has to do with some kind of political destruction of Raila, or is it?
UK: You are right in your assumption, DRAO, is a clever plan devised by Ruto to destroy Raila’s political ambitions, and thus the “D” in DRAO but I don’t see any contradiction in my saying I support and want to use Ruto’s DRAO 2009 deck of cards in my own campaign strategy; any clipping of Raila’s power and influence, is a net-gain for me.
Reporter: But Ruto can say the same thing; namely, any clipping of Raila’s power and influence, is a net-gain for him. What makes you believe you can make Ruto your own pet project and use him in the way you describe to be elected president without him resisting or defeating you in this scheme?
UK: Simple. Without me, Ruto is irrelevant. Ruto knows he cannot be elected president; not this time anyway. Having fallen out with Raila, his best chance for political survival, is for him to work with me. Or, if I can put this differently, I don’t need him, but he needs me.
Reporter: You sound so confident about this?
UK: I am.
Reporter: There has been reporting in the media that, the G7 which you are named as one, will hold elections in which the person who gets the most votes will become the flag-bearer for the G7 team and that whoever comes second, will become the vice-presidential candidate. How do you think you’ll fare in such elections?
UK: Oh, very well; in fact, I am confident I’ll receive the most votes and therefore become the presidential candidate for G7.
Reporter: What if you do not and instead Ruto gets the most votes; are you willing to run with him as his vice-president?
UK: Are you kidding?
Reporter: No; I am not, of course. This is a question everyone is asking and wishes to know the answer from you.
UK: (Laughing)…I won’t answer that one…you go figure (more laughter).
Reporter: Okay; I take that to mean UK is not going to be VP for Ruto?
UK: You are fast!
Reporter: Thank you; I try, anyway, but you politicians never cease to amaze me in your schemes—but I am learning fast, as you say. Now, you said earlier that, for you, Ocampo is the man to beat in 2012. How concerned are you that Ocampo will succeed in having the ICC charges confirmed against you and therefore render you ineligible to run for president as the new constitution directs?
UK: I am not concerned at all. Ocampo is a piece of $%#@ and if he somehow manages to confirm these bogus charges against me, I’ll have the right to appeal, which will give me and those supporting me, enough time to devise other strategies to deal with ICC.
Reporter: It sounds like you are not anxious to go to the Hague?
UK: Not at all; not anytime, soon, anyway.
Reporter: What about your co-accused; do you have any concerns about their charges being confirmed?
UK: I know this interview is on the record, but we must go off record for me to give you an answer to this particular question.
[Off the record].
Reporter: (Back on record). Wow. Are you sure you don’t want me to publish what you just told me about your thinking about each of these co-accused and their prospects at the Hague?
UK: I am sure about this, otherwise I’ll let you.
Reporter: Okay; I respect that. Assuming ICC does not prevent you as you are confident it won’t; what single accomplishment can you point to Kenyans, to show that you are now ready to be elected president than when you last ran in 2002?
UK: I must say being Finance minister has given me the opportunity to hone my skills in finance management, which is crucial for any country leader to have so I’ll say the single most accomplishment I can point to you to show I am ready to be president, is my performance as finance minister.
Reporter: You have twice as minister for finance been unable to explain discrepancies in the range of billions of shillings, when you were asked to and later blamed this on typo-graphical errors, what do you say to those who say this is not something to expect from an accomplished minister who is in charge and knows the goings on of his ministry, as you claim you are?
UK: I’ll agree with them. Quite frankly, I was as shocked as the rest of the nation was, when reading the budget, that there was this vast amounts in discrepancies. If someone was trying to steal the money under my watch, they did not do a good job in trying to hide it but we learned our lessons from that and I can assure you this will not be repeated again.
Reporter: We don’t have much time left, so I am going to ask you a series of questions about the other presidential contenders, you tell me in one or two words, what you think about them:
Reporter: Raila Odinga.
UK: If I can’t beat him, nobody will.
Reporter: William Ruto.
UK: My own pet project.
Reporter: Martha Karua
UK: One tough lady and major road block to my path to State House.
Reporter: Kalonzo Musyoka.
UK: (Laughing) Ah, let me see; ready to make any deal anytime with anyone.
Reporter: Peter Kenneth
UK: Fine gentleman, would make good ambassador to Britain.
Reporter: Prof. Ole Kiyiapi
UK: Good technocrat.
Reporter: Eugene Wamalwa
UK: Eugene Who? (Laughing out loud)
Reporter: Thank you for your time, Mr. UK; that’s all the time we have for this interview.
Disclaimer: The foregoing is an imaginary interview between Deputy Prime Minister and Minister for Finance Uhuru Kenyatta and an imaginary reporter. It is not intended to be taken as an event that actually occurred.