A Conversation with Kalonzo Musyoka

11 Apr

A Conversation with Kalonzo Musyoka

Reporter: Mr. Musyoka, it was learned from the WikiLeaks that you believed that you could not win the elections of 07 as president and that therefore you concluded the best you could get out of it is to spoil Raila’s run for the office in the hopes Kibaki could then make a deal with you to be Vice-President. In fact, many Kenyans, including this journalist suspected this all along but WikiLeaks confirmed this. Does this bother you in any way, namely, that you are Vice President not on account of your leadership but as a reward for helping Kibaki getting re-sworn after an election many believe he lost?

Musyoka: Not at all. In politics, you have to constantly calculate and do what is best for you and your political fortunes. Sometimes whatever that is, is good for the country too but there are times what is good for you is not good for the country. In this case you have to make a decision whether to do what is good for the country or what is good for you. I always prefer to do what is good for me and that is what I did in agreeing to be Vice President for Kibaki even though I knew doing so was not good for the country because he and I knew he had actually lost the elections.

Reporter: Does what happened post-election, especially the violence have you rethinking that what you did in accepting the vice-presidency under those circumstances was wrong?

Musyoka: No. I would do it again because it is all about me and I think I deserve to be in this office and I am right now in the middle of calculating how I can succeed Kibaki as president.

Reporter: Would you mind to share what your strategy is about succeeding Kibaki?

Musyoka: Sure but only just a little bit. You see, the only three people I see as obstacles to ascending to the presidency are Raila, Ruto and Uhuru. Starting with Raila, I think all I need to do is to consult my Spoiler Book from 07 elections. There were chapters in there I did not use which I think could make my efforts even more successful except this time I will be the sole beneficiary. For example, I intend to campaign in all parts of East and Central provinces in making sure I remind the Kikuyus, Merus and Kambas that Raila cannot be trusted. I will also engineer a campaign to remind Kenyans from other parts of the country that if Raila is elected, their homes and businesses will be taken over by Luos…

Reporter: But Mr. Musyoka, you know none of that is true so why would you be spreading such malicious lies?

Musyoka: Because I don’t think telling the truth will help me with Raila. He is so clean I can’t find anything negative I can exploit in his life to make the case against him so I must make up stuff. I know there are some Luos who say Raila has not done anything for them but I am afraid I am not credible to say anything about not doing anything for anyone. Besides, this kind of thing is said about anyone in leadership so I don’t think it is a good strategy to use against Raila.

Reporter: Okay, I take it your strategy against Raila is to spread lies and smear his name; what about Uhuru and Ruto:

Musyoka: Now; that’s a tough one but I think I have a winning two-prong strategy against either or both of them: First, I would work very hard to make sure I am in a coalition with them. I will negotiate a deal to have me as the presidential candidate on condition I serve one term; Uhuru will be my Vice-President and Ruto will remain in Parliament. In the next circle, I will step down in favor of Uhuru and Ruto will be his Vice-President. I just need to be president for one time so I can say I was president. I like the prestige and power that comes from being president but I don’t see how I get elected legitimately without making this kind of deal.

Reporter: What is your other strategy:

Musyoka: This one is tricky. You see, the best scenario is for me to emerge as presidential candidate with the support of Ruto and Uhuru’s supporters but this strategy calls for me to have all of them to myself. The scenario I described above is the more direct and straightforward but it is designed to maximize tribalism for the three of us. The other strategy is to use tribalism but for my sole benefit. The way it would work is for me to support as I have the Ocampo Six in efforts to defer their cases but to quietly pray as I have that Uhuru and Ruto are both nailed by Ocampo. This way, I can go around the country telling their supporters this is Raila’s fault and that therefore they should elect me to secure their freedom.

Reporter: Do you believe God will answer your prayer given this conniving purpose for it?

Musyoka: Oh yes! Do you not see me in church every Sunday? I believe in the power of prayer. I am a Christian and staunch believer.

Reporter: Mr. Musyoka, but the U.S. Ambassador said in the same WikiLeaks that you are a Christian for convenience only so how is one to take your religious affiliation seriously?

Musyoka: You see, this is your problem not mine. I know pretending to be a Christian has real advantages. I can give you many examples of televangelists who have become filthy rich because their followers believe they are men and women of God and pour money to them when they are in, fact, common thieves. So, I am not concerned about what the US ambassador said about my Christianity.

Reporter: Is there anything else you would like to say Mr. Musyoka:

Musyoka: Well, there is but that will really blow you away I am not sure I want to say it.

Reporter: What is it? Go ahead and say it; will be happy to hear it.

Musyoka: Well, the Vice-President of Kenya is the best job I can have; there is nothing I do other than occasionally fighting to get photo opportunities at various functions and ceremonies. For the most part, I am sitting in my office doodling on my large desk with no evidence of work being done there or otherwise tending to my personal business. I love the job so much I may just strike a deal with Uhuru to support him in exchange for my staying put as Vice-President.

Reporter: Wow, you are really serious for you its not about the country but about you!

Musyoka: Indeed, indeed.


Disclaimer: The foregoing is an imaginary interview session between Kalonzo Musyoka and an imaginary reporter. It is not intended to be taken as an event that actually occurred.


Posted by on April 11, 2011 in Siasa, Uncategorized


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5 responses to “A Conversation with Kalonzo Musyoka

  1. Pearl Vinet

    April 12, 2011 at 5:02 PM

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    • Samuel N. Omwenga, Esq.

      April 12, 2011 at 6:53 PM

      Thanks for your comment. To subscribe please go the “About” page and provide the info. Cheers.

    • Samuel N. Omwenga, Esq.

      April 22, 2011 at 8:03 PM

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  2. Dr. Sunday-Joseph Otengho

    April 14, 2011 at 11:46 AM

    I have been looking for you for the longest time. Please write or call me as soon as possible.


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